my little life.

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breath
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

I am hiding from some beast
But the beast was always here
Watching without eyes
Because the beast is just my fear
That I am just nothing
Now its just what I've become
What am I waiting for
Its already done

(The Bravery-Believe)

not that i copied such lyric because of the meaning behind.. i just love this song.
i really have no idea what to write here, because i'm not in that kinda 'blah' mood- where my creativity is at its peak and i can write -somewhat blah- alot here..

i guess i just want to sum up we what happened in these few weeks.

first of all, the internship things. O dear Lord, now i know why my parents are going crazy everytime i... you know.. spend a lil bit TOO much in buying this.. buying that.. asking for this new something.. asking for a new that..
because, BELIEVE ME, working is super-hard.
on my first day, i still can remember what i wrote in my email to my boyfriend that time (we were on temporary-LD-relationship x))
and i just couldnt stop crying crying crying, and typed "i wanna quit" zillion zillion zilliooonn times.

i know that im not that person who gets pampered and eat from a silver spoon (or something quoted like that) but i can be categorized as some da*n lucky kid whose parents get everything she NEEDS (note: im not using the word 'WANTS'. please remember.) and not to forget she's able to eat properly 3times a day as well.

now i know what it feels to work my a$$ off. now i know what it feels being in the office for 9 hours nonstop (well, okay, with an hour break. but still!)
and when it's all done. i feel so..... relieved.
realizing that im finishing my study this year, it's kinda ironic actually. because after that, im doing such WORK-things for not only two months period -or three- but.. FOR EVER. FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

God bless me, (and have mercy on me.)


the second one, not much. it's some relationship stuff
(am i overreacted?)

basically.. this summer holiday change my perception A LOT. my impressions through some people.. for knowing some unbelievably-scary facts about friendship, about backstabbing, about love,
about myself, and what people perceive about me..

for (nearly.. or can i say almost?) losing three of my bestfriends.. two of them are moving to Australia.. and one.. simply lost. i lose him, i'm sorry to say this but i still cant accept that-supposed-to-be-great-and-lovely-fact.
and it hurts bigtime knowing that you lose someone but that someone does not even know..
that you cherish your friendship so much.

talking about my two bestfriends who are moving.. im really really REALLY sad. they are people who... had influenced me alot while im here, in Malaysia. knowing that i will not see them in a long period of time, makes my heart... ache, very much.




anyway..
life's gotta move on. so am i,
so i better stop this one, and see you sooonn

ps: besok reman brangkat :( bayu nya tanggal 10 :(
on the lighter side..im going back home at 3!! cant waittt..

have a happy holiday everyone :)

in about 5days ramadhan will start, smentara gw masih bner2 blom siap.. mentally and physically.
physically, of course, mostly contributed from the new monash campus (yang walopun bedanya sama yang lama cuma skitar 3-4mnit, but still, 1 menit kaya seabad plus 1menit dipanggang itu NGARUH YA)
..jadi gw blom membiasakan diri gimana jalan siang2 panas2 keringetan dan stengah mati nahan haus (plus laper) .......... (long pause)

anyway, and mentally, of course, is from myself.
kayanya blom siap lgi mendekatkan diri sama Yang Diatas..
because i did too many sins, yes, truly.. you dont want to believe it, it's fine with me, but true.. i feel so..... dirty.(penggunaan kata yang very ambiguous and definitely biased)

oya, talking about dirty.. just now suddenly i remember all that my mom said to me before she went back home at the end of august..
bagaimana kita begitu yakin kalo kita kenal this person dan ternyata besoknya mereka backstab kita,
bagaimana kita merasa this person is like a family to us and suddenly tomorrow, dia uda kaya ga kenal lagi dan berbalik menjatuhkan kita..
bagaimana people can be (truly) blinded by money..
bagaimana mereka bisa dengan ga tau malunya ke-gep did those dirty works but pretending that everything's okay, padahal di lain sisi ada yang struggling for their life because of them.
life, eh? shit happens everytime. but i really dont think my parents (especially my dad) deserve all of those kind of... behaviors.
.. i dont know, maybe i really dont get along with my dad well, (and God is better in knowing my dad more) so this is his karma or something, but i really cant stand it anymore stiap kali mreka pada akhirnya berantem karena masalah yang sama.

 blom lagi masalah my OWN future..
why i bold the word own, because dari awal kayanya masa depan gw udah digambar dengan jelas sama mereka.
how it will end, which path i should.. no.. must take,
which road i should ignore, and else.
i refused (big time) their offers (REQUESTS tobe exact) without looking into their eyes just because i was afraid i cudnt do it. apa yang tjd.. mreka ga nganggep kata2 gw.. dan tetap berpikir bahwa i will do what they've already planned for me.
one thing (not one, actually, MANY) that bothers me so much is.. apa gw bisa membantu menyelesaikan SEMUAnya kalo gw menuruti mereka? another voice in my head also help (not) by saying apa ini yang gw mau?

bukannya gw ga tau trima kasih apa gmana..... *yawn* mungkin memang bener like a wise man once said,
parents always know what the best for you. even though you may not like it or you think it sucks, at the end it (always) brings the best outta you, and gives the best as well. sigh.

disatu sisi gw bner2 kasian sama mereka dan I WANT TO HELP. i really do..
tapi apa gw bisa, apa gw membantu?? itu satu.
dan apa gw ga bisa melakukan apa yang gw mau? (well atleast i want to feel that i have the CHOICES)

God... yes, again. back to God. people selalu berteriak "Tuhan bantu saya" kalo mereka sedang tertimpa masalah saja,, ...now i know how it feels, and that's one thing which makes me so 'dirty' as i said above. it's just... damn true.

To sum up, i am still not ready for this ramadhan.. and i'm still confused what to do with my future.
(oh God please have mercy on me..)
minal aidin walfaidzin.. slamat berpuasa (for those yang merayakan), waktunya bersih bersih!!
yes, bersih2 (again) physically and mentally..


hard job to do, i know..
cheers :)

hai there!

tumben berat gw ngisi kaya ginian pagi2 jam 11 (ya, still for me it's too early to call it 'noon')

tapi secara kelas gw di cancel dengan tdk bertanggung jawab sama si nazim.. jadilah gw stuck dengan my mac browsing for anything interesting that i could find by clicking here and there

hari ini we (uhuhu) celebrate our 22months-versary.. two months to go and we'll be in that big '2', when everything is (supposedly) settled down dan gada lagi brantem2 gak penting yang menguras smua isi otak, menghabiskan smua energi, membuat muka menjadi parah karena bengep2 bekas nangis, dan most importantly, no more bad decision (made when you're mad. oh dont ask how terrible that decision was) yang nantinya bakal jd penyesalan (cud be the biggest one in your life) buat diri sendiri..

:)

anyhow, just dropping by and say that, yes i know, ga penting banget.. tp biasa lah mood-swings, ohoho

and these are some inspirational quote i found for today.. (oh, and because today's topic is about my love-life, then i think it will be appropriate if i put the love quotes only. hahaha.. period.)

She is not perfect. You are not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other. ---"Good Will Hunting"

Sometimes new love comes between old friends. Sometimes the best love was the one that was always there. ---"Reality Bites"

He doesn't make sense, I don't make sense. Together we make sense. ---from the movie "Untamed Heart"

[about the past] ...the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it. ---"The Lion King"

inspiring, eh?

well, very for me, :) hope do the same for you all..

cheerss!

current mood? idk. in the mood of writing something down here tapi susyah bok mulainya..

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." ---Oprah Winfrey

Sometimes in life, we might find that special person yang begitu berharga sehingga kita beri mereka sebutan "teman"..

he, or she, may be:
someone who changes your life just by being a part of it.
someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop.
someone who knows how to wipe your tears away.
someone who makes you believe that there really are good things in the world.. and one of them is you.

i know it seems difficult to believe all of those sentences, and the fact does say that it is not that easy..
friendship may get rough, it may get on your nerves, yes i know..

sahabat yang gw punya yang ada disekitar gw, (baca: di malaysia) they are really great. truly great..
cewe atopun (yes) cowo, mereka ngerti gw luar dalem (atleast that is what i think ;)) dan yang lebih penting, mereka ada di sekeliling gw stiap kali gw mengalami ssuatu
someone who shares the tears, the problems, the happy news, the gossips with me,
someone i can run to directly everytime i have a problem,
someone i can call at anytime and ask to go for a movie, for everytime i feel how life's unfairly treating me.. :)
and these 'conditions' shaped these people become the best bestfriends i have..

tapi jangan salah.. kadang gw jg suka 'gemess' banget sama mereka..bisa sebel setengah mati sama mreka, bisa males bgt ketemu, males pergi, males ngobrol,
but at the very end, mungkin karena uda kebiasaan, i always come back with a deeply missed feeling..

on the other hand,
ada juga sahabat2 gw yang keberadaannya ga ada disekitar gw, mereka smua tersebar dimana2 tapi i proudly say they are best of the best!

"Friends are like stars... you don't always see them, but you know they're always there." ---Hulali Luta

i experienced alot of things through this long-distance-friendship word, true, A LOT of them

i had a fight, big one, with one of my 4years friend, just weeks ago..
i completely lost my mind (and i hate myself very much for that) and got into something that actually, it wasnt that bad.
pada saat itu gw mikir apakah ini yang dinamakan pertengkaran sesama sahabat? masing2 seperti ga kenal pribadi yang lainnya, and this is what you called friendship?

trus ada yang pas smp deketnya ampun2an tapi pas masuk SMA (walopun satu dr mereka SMAnya sama) tapi karena kesibukan masing2, kita jadi renggang.. tapi ntah knapa, i still acknowledge them as one of my bestest friends, walopun skrg kontek2 aja jarang stengah mati, paling lewat friendster.. secara dia di UK (hahaha)
dan yang satu lagi di aussie (dan desember uda mau NIKAhh)

(how i miss these guys terribly..)

lalu ada juga sahabat 8taun gw, my dear bali girl.. dulu gw deketAMPUNAMPUNan sama dia, smua gw tau, dari keluarganya, ampe mantan2 pacarnya, ahaha.. and gladly, until now we still (try to, ehem) keep in touch walopun ga sesering dulu..
oh, and we DID have a VERY BIG FIGHT pas sma.. dan itu cuma gara2 sesuatu yang amat tdk penting.. *sigh

dan ada juga sahabat gw, anaknya pebulutangkis terkenal.. rumahnya mungkin bisa disebut rumah kedua gw, makan disana, nonton disana, les disana, tidur disana,
saking deketnya, pas malem2 buta (baca: jam 12malem) selese latian teater dan skolah kebanjiran, dengan ga tau dirinya gw ke rumahnya buat ngeringin badan dan nunggu dijemput
(dengan keadaan ngetok2 pager yang bukain mbak2nya yang udah tidur dan anjing penjaganya yang cuma dikeluarin kalo malem nyalak2 kenceng banget dan mendengus2 di kaki gw)
trus dia bangun dan nerima gw, cuma buat nyapa dan nyuruh gw masuk, abis itu lanjut tidur lagi
x)

and lastly, ga lupa, 2 tuyul (iya, these creatures are male) yang diitung2 jg udah temenan ama gw dari 3smp..
dan mereka, adalah yang paling bikin gw minder,
adalah yang mnurut gw (beneran hebat) karena..mereka multi talented, mereka berbakat, sangat berbakat, dan hebatnya lagi, mereka MENDALAMI dan MENIAT-IN apa yang mereka SUKA, sampe itu jadi salah satu BAKAT mereka..

hail to our next movie director and musician-surfer-photographer-swimmer-psycholog to be! (seriously, the last one, he's multimultimulti talented)

mereka yang teruss mendorong gw untuk maju, untuk (MAU GA MAU) think about my future,
mereka juga nerima gw apa adanya bner2 apa adanya dan most importantly,
it's who i am when i'm with them that makes me love them so much :)

nah,
dari 2 kategori 'sahabat' diatas, yang manapun itu, i cherish their existence because they did change me to who i am right now, and nothing i can wish better than that..

"True friendship is felt, not said." ---Mariecris Madayag

ANYWAY
it's been an hour and now i cant feel my arms, *haha*
so i guess that's all for today's post..
oh and anyway (lagi) i'm in my third year now (woohoo) dan masih pusing mikirin masa depan.. (yes, still..),
masih mikirin assignment yang ga abis2 (yang mana harusnya skrg dikerjain),
dan juga masih sama2 with my lovable one :) my one and *hopefully* only :)

ciaaoo

dedicated to my dearest bestfriends, all of you guys, veronanastelliaannaariryantremanbayuadintrisnanikadinimulassitakingandarayaya :)

It felt like springtime on this February morning
In the courtyard birds were singing your praise
I'm still recalling things you said to make me feel alright
I carried them with me today, Now

As I lay me down to sleep,
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy

I wonder why I feel so high
Though I am not above the sorrow
Heavy hearted
Till you call my name
And it sounds like church bells
Or the whistle of a train
On a summer evening
I'll run to meet you
Barefoot barely breathing

It's not too near for me
Like a flower I need the rain
Though it's not clear to me
Every season has its change
And I will see you
When the sun comes out again

(as i lay me down -Sophie B Hawkins)

current mood: nothing, only a really bad migraine.
current thought: God knows
current desire: God knows this as well,
current activity: sobbing with little typing for this and windows named-"ass 1"

my mood was kinda screwed up,
tadi tiba2 gw nangis tanpa alasan (ada sih, alasan, pastinya lah.. im not that insane) dan GA brenti pula.. bagus.
abis itu migraine parah, i assume i got the migraine everytime i:
1. feel the pressure (you know, that 'stress' word. i really hate to put it here, because that makes me feel.. ukh) (but hey, i PUT IT HERE. *grumble)
2. feel hungry plus lack of GOOD sleep. (bold that 'good' word)
3. have a lot of chocolates
4. have too much caffeine
5. read a number of books (worst case: textbooks)

dinda lagi masak mi goreng dan it SMELLS very nice.. dammit. ive had my dinner with some rice+vege+beef and one bakwan, PLUS one coffeebean in the afternoon, and still it WASNT enuf??
i guess that feeling and migraine are taking this much of energy..
(aish alesan)
really.. i wonder if i've already in my pms period.
secara sekarang baru tanggal 28.. dan my last period was on 6.. or 7?
(ga penting banget dibahas)

feeling much better now. i hope there will be no other migraines or another 'craving-for-food-attitude'.
most importantly, i wish there will be no more this shitty feeling..

okay now im up to do my report (noted: due tomorrow) and my ass (due thursday) while another ass (due wednesday) is still with ryant, for it to be fulfilled.
*cross fingered*

my only wish is for you to just stay..
and i know it will not happen,
so i guess I'll just try to make another wish..
if only, it is that simple.